The birthdays of our children are usually a celebration. I time to get together, throw a party, give gifts, and talk about how that child has enriched and brighten our lives.
Today is my daughters' birthday...
Faith Elizabeth and Hope Katherine were born 6 years ago today.
Today is the day I got to meet them for the first time...
It is also the day I had to say goodbye to them.
My sweet twin daughters were born still...
This day should have been the say they began their lives here on earth. Instead it is the day I kissed them goodbye and handed them to a stranger to prepare for burial.
It is the day more than any other I am haunted by the thoughts of 'what if'
What if they had lived...
What if I had known...
What if I had done something differently...
Could we have saved them?
My daughters died from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. They had blood vessels that interconnected in their shared placenta. Faith got too much blood and Hope not enough. We did not find this out until a 22 week ultrasound that they had it and they were already gone.
My first ultra-sounds the girls were doing somersaults and kicking each other. Doing water ballet inside my belly.
My last ultrasound they were so still...I thought at first they were sleeping. Then I saw Hope's arm waving slowly back and forth ( I didn't know at the time it was just floating in the amniotic fluid and moving when I did). I was so relieved. Then I watched the faces of the technicians and there wasn't the usual happy chatter instead they kept looking at each other and never at me or my husband. They let me get dressed and said my doctor would call me...that was it. Truly as I look back on it I know why I didn't ask them how everything looked...I knew but didn't want to hear the words.
As I sat in my car to go home I clutched my belly and cried out to God that this please not be happening...not to my babies. My precious girls that were already so loved and cherished. Not to my heart...I could not stand to lose them. Please not before I had ever even gotten to hold them, or nurse them, or sing them a lullaby.
Please God not my children...
One hour later my doctor called...I could tell by my husbands voice what he had had to say.
I covered my ears and ran from the room. He found me slumped against a wall holding my swollen belly telling him no, please no...
There are treatments and laser surgery that can be done to save some of these babies. I never got a chance to try them because I didn't know. I didn't hear the signals that my body was sending, well I heard but thought that maybe this was typical with twins.
I also in normal fashion for me, did not want to be an alarmist. I did not want to call the doctor and complain with every ache and pain. Little did I know that these aches and pains were all associated with something that could and did harm my girls. I had a feeling something wasn't right but failed to act on it...I should have gone to the doctor at the first signs of swelling, the first bit of pain. I should have sat right there in the office until someone saw me. I should have been a better advocate for myself and my children.
Mother's guilt is powerful. I don't blame God, I don't blame the doctor. No even after six years I have never forgiven myself. I was their mom and I let them die...
Why do I share this with you?
I share this as a warning that God gave us mother's a wonderful intuition. It is something that we need to listen to. We need to get over our need to not bother people. If you feel something isn't right either with a pregnancy or something else...call your doctor. If people tell you you are overreacting...who cares? It is your body and in the case of a pregnancy it could be the health or even the life of your unborn child.
Do I know that if I had been diagnosed earlier that we could have saved our girls? No, many twins die each year even after their parents have exhausted all the treatment methods for this horrible disease.
But today when I visit my girls at the cemetery I could have gone knowing that we at least tried everything we could to save them. Instead I go wondering
What if...
Unlike last year's post on the girls' birthday I will keep the comments open in hopes to share any conversations that may start in hopes of reaching as many as possible with support and encouragement to be their own best advocate. Also feel free to email me if you have any questions or comments you don't want published here.
For more information on Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome contact the TTTS Foundation. It was founded my a mother in 1989 who lost one of her twins to TTTS. It is a wealth of information that all women pregnant with twins should take a look at. They have the signs to look for as well as treatment options, doctors, and support groups.
